I’m afraid to be honest about what has happened, what is happening, and what will happen. I’ve endured a lot. What I’ve endured has affected me, perhaps more than I’m able to express. However, what has happened has shaped me into the woman that I am – and I am not ashamed of that woman. So, should I still be ashamed of sharing about what has shaped me?
If it is unhealed, I won’t share it. However, if it is healed, I will share it… because I’m aware that there are those who need to be healed, just as I have been healed. How can I withhold something that could heal someone else?
So, I’ll start to share something that I haven’t written about. Something that I haven’t shared about to those outside of my immediate sphere. Here it is…
When I was sixteen, I sensed that I was called to minister. However… I wasn’t sure what to do about it. Should I do missions? Should I attend ministry school? Should I screw it all and study a “secular subject” at a “secular school?” Since this was a serious decision, I devoted a lot of time to praying, exploring options, and seeking advice.
When I was eighteen, I decided to attend ministry school. While I was there, I endured spiritual abuse. I endured mental abuse. I endured emotional abuse. And I wasn’t able to endure it all for long. In fact, I was supposed to attend school for three years… instead, I attended school for one year.
As a result of this experience, I was so hurt. I was so lost. I was so hopeless. It has taken a lot of time to heal… to be honest, there are areas that still aren’t healed. However, I’m striving for healing. I’m striving to be who I’m supposed to be, and to do what I’m supposed to do. And I’m striving for obedience to the Lord’s leadership.
This is the surface of it all, but still… here it is. I’m hopeful that, as I share what I’ve experienced, it will be a source of healing, for me and for those reading.
[Disclaimer: I understand that there are those who have suffered worse than I have. However, I understand that what I endured was still abusive, and I deserve to share about it. And, while I do intend to share specific stores, it will take some time.]